Dear Mr. St. John,
I recently read your piece for VentureBeat ( http://venturebeat.com/2016/04/16/game-developers-must-avoid-the-wage-slave-attitude/ ) and it sounds like you are having trouble finding hard-working dedicated developers to meet your needs. Allow me to offer you my services. Before you jump to conclusions, I don’t intend to work for you. Based on what I’ve read, I’d put working for you just under professional venomous snake bite victim on my list of career aspirations. I do write code though, and I’m pretty good at coming up with applications that fit a set of requirements, which in your case is game development. In your article you have set out a list of requirements for your perfect game developer. Much to my surprise the list of requirements wasn’t very long and writing an application that does everything that you seem to think a good game developer does only took me a few minutes (but don’t worry I made sure to do it during Crunch Time). I decided to call my new wonder application GameDeveloper.exe. I assume this will fit all your needs, and when it does, feel free to throw me a couple bucks for all your saved effort. Below this you’ll find the list of requirements I pulled from your article accompanied by the download link for your new wonder app.
Functional Requirements For GameDeveloper.exe
- Put in Crunch Time: New GameDeveloper.exe comes with a Crunch Time check box. Upon clicking it, GameDeveloper.exe will enter its patented Crunch Time mode. It might look like it’s doing exactly the same thing it was doing before, but let me assure you Mr. St. John, it’s crunching the hell out of some time.
- Not Burn Out: New GameDeveloper.exe can run for hours without ever needing to stop. Assuming that you’ve got a computer with its very low system requirements and a reliable power source, GameDeveloper.exe could potentially run forever.
- Wiggle the Mouse Around: If you think you’ve seen mouse wiggling before, buddy you ain’t seen nothing yet! New GameDeveloper.exe has perfected the mouse jiggle. It jiggles the mouse as though it were some smug self-important middle-aged man jiggling his cigar for some cringe-worthy head shot. In other words it’s got it down to an art form.
- Not Whine: New GameDeveloper.exe will never complain. It will never ask for money. It will never even question your reasoning or make fun of you for any ridiculous opinions you might ever plaster all over the internet. It’s the model employee.
Anyway, I’ve already got GameDeveloper.exe running on one of my machines right now and I’m excited at the idea of finally becoming a real game developer. I think I’ll let it run overnight tonight in Crunch Mode and in the morning I’ll tell it that it should be proud of the work it’s doing. I’ll let it know that plenty of other computers would really value the job it’s doing.
Amelia St. John (Alex St. John’s daughter) has written about this situation better than I ever could. Take a minute to read her post. Here